Holding Space In A Class

I have never been a public speaker. It has been and will always continue to be daunting to me. When i worked in a corporate, i hated sitting in meetings where I needed to share updates, I would run through what I wanted to say in my head some ten times before finally mustering the courage to say it. If I wanted to share an opinion on a matter being discussed, I'd do the same scan in my head, but while I was busy mentally analysing content, the moment to share it would pass, leaving me quite upset about the whole scenario. And I would chide myself for not being so weak in the first place. By this time my heart rate would be comparable to me riding a bicycle up a hill.

When I signed up to go be a yoga teacher, it was only so I could deepen my personal practice further. I was also falling deeply in love with Bali and any reason to spend an entire month there seemed like a good idea. I had no intentions of teaching full time or even part time. When we had our first micro lesson - on day 2 of arriving at the teacher training, I suddenly found myself standing in front of 5 of my course-mates and teaching them. I can't remember what I taught but I remembering being very hot in the face, I must have also been trembling for sure. At the end of my training I had a final exam - which was to teach a 60 min lesson. I sat up the whole night preparing, trying to memorise the exact words I would speak from start to finish - because  there was no way I was going to walk in front of people and say things unprepared or impromptu.

But the next day when I sat down on my tiny teacher's bolster and closed my eyes for a few seconds to calm my nerves before I started to speak I found that my nervousness had dissolved into nothingness. Suddenly I was calm. There was a certain kind of peace inside me and it begged me to share it with those sitting in front of me. Nothing mattered but the fact that I was here, no other time but the now mattered, everything else around me disappeared. In that quietness I also found the courage to speak and have my words come from a place of truth, a place of sharing and a place of love.

I do not mean to say that this is something that cured me of my acute fear of public speaking outside of the seat of a teacher. That still continued, of course it was not as terribly paralysing as before, because i knew I could if I wanted to, own a space and speak. But ever since then, every time I assume my place on the mat and face my students, I feel that energy and that peace descend upon me and all else fades away and I am in a place of bliss, and I then become a medium, through which this ancient science of yoga wants to get itself out into the world and in front of people.

Energy in a yoga class, has two aspects - one that the teacher radiates, and the other that students radiate. Whatever I have written so far is my experience of being a teacher and the energy i try and impart to my class to the best of my ability. The second part though, is equally important.
My teachers, to whom I am forever grateful, would always speak of enveloping themselves within a protective cover of sorts so as to ward off any negative energy that tries to diminish this light and love they so tenderly try to radiate into the class. I thought of this as covering yourself or your energy body in an invisibility cloak - where you can share and receive positivity, but anything that blocks that positivity is blocked out as well.

It is a useful skill to have, but not something that I have learn to effectively deploy yet. While I experienced this immense sunshine within me that I wanted to spread to the class and everyone I was teaching, there were sometimes moments where I could feel a darkness or a shadow reaching towards me trying to un-seat me from this position I had occupied. When i feel that energy coming towards me, I was suddenly unsure of what I was feeling, who I was, the space I was occupying - physically and energetically, what I was teaching and most importantly how my students were feeling : summarised all these emotions meant I was no longer confident of leading a class.

I know this doesn't speak much of me as a teacher, but it is the truth and i feel no shame in admitting it. In those moments, I bring my students into a mini-relaxation asana - downward facing dog / adho mukha svanasana or child's pose / balasana and try to regain the balance I have come so close to losing, i re-muster the courage and the confidence to teach and reassure myself that the class I have planned is going to help heal and nourish those I am teaching. A few inhales and exhales and i'm ready to go again in less than 2 minutes. This rarely happens to me, but when it does it, it is very overwhelming - i am still working on weaving that foolproof invisibility cloak.

I am writing about this topic because i was in a class last week where while teaching I encountered immense judgement and resistance from a student's body and mind. I grew flustered when I felt it and immediately started second guessing myself - almost forgot my sequence even. I somehow managed to finish the class. Once i was alone when all my students had left, I heaved a huge sigh. My body felt like it had just stopped running after a  fast sprint. A few deep inhales and exhales helped settle some emotions.

I wrote about it in my morning journal the day after this happened. And I realised while still penning down my thoughts -  my classroom is my space, it is my responsibility to create a healthy atmosphere for my students when they step into class. But it is also my responsibility to create that space for myself, within myself and unless I do that, i will fail in extending that to my students.  I also wrote about how it is totally within my control to let that feeling of "not being good enough" overpower me - and if i was sensitive enough to spot it, I could put in place self defense systems that help deflect that energy before it comes anywhere close to me.

With this grounding when i stepped into class the next day with the same student and felt the same energy all over again, i caught it in time, wore my misshapen cloak and upped the rhythm that flows within me. I diverted from the student I was getting pushback from to those who needed it instead and could benefit with my guidance. I continued with my sequence with complete surety and lead the class to a successful shavasana without feeling like an out of breath 10K runner. Please understand that i am not blaming my other student for radiating those energies, sometimes people are going through stuff and they need time to process it. A yoga mat sometimes provides that space and the grounding and comfort for that processing work in the body, mind and spirit. Strong energies have a way of getting out though and they will tend to overpower other gentle energies around them. Which was was what happening in my class both times.

It is important to hold onto your own power in a role where you are guiding people's energies. The seat of a yoga teacher is my sacred space, for it has allowed me to explore certain parts of my personality that I would not have had the courage to approach by myself. The sight of my mat laid out in front of the class with my bolster to sit on and my buddhist awareness bell and my watch are symbols that speak of that sacred energy and are also symbols of the power that i feel as a teacher. But i also know that they embody that sacredness and power, because I allow them to as I find my strength in them. My true strength in reality rests within me - because I when I am on the mat, I am connected with a divine source, i am merely a channel for that energy to flow forth.  If I can allow positivity to flow through me, I also can stop negativity to approach me. And knowing when to do that is as important for a yoga teacher as knowing as our lefts and rights.

Namaste!