On Fear

I found myself in Singapore the month of October and out of the blue, I decided to message a teacher of mine. I had met him at his studio in Serangoon - Yoga Kalari in January 2016, I attended two sessions and then signed up for a package but soon happened to injure my shoulder and couldn't practice for a few months. After that healed, i moved houses and where I worked also moved and somehow the commute all the way to Serangoon was just too hectic. Work got crazy busy as well and I eventually moved out of Singapore.  Over time with age, I have come to realise that things that are meant to be will be and things that aren't can never be forced to manifest. This isn't a novel thought of course. But the intensity with which i am confronted by it time and again makes me realise the powerful truth of it. At the time when I discovered Master Suresh, I had been searching for a teacher who could elevate my practice - my asana practice, more than my yoga practice. And when I met him and did the first class in his studio, I remember walking out feeling like I was going to be fine and I thanked the Universe for this introduction and for acquainting me with this hidden gem. And then in spite of having the intention to practice I never went back to the studio. I am also a strong believer of things happen when the time is right. This might seem to some as a blanket statement that all lazy folks use in their defense when they aren't capable of doing something - but I have tested the theory by putting in the required amount of hard work in certain situations and yet being unable to achieve something. 

Anyhow, so when I found myself in Singapore, i felt like the time was right for me to head back to Serangoon and practice with Master and Yoga Kalari. And so I messaged him to ask if I could use the left over sessions from my package and he was kind enough to oblige. The next day I saw myself taking a bus and arriving at the doorsteps of Yoga Kalari. I was trying to not be noticed, so I tread as lightly as possible, there were a few other ladies on their mats chatting, I went in to keep my bag and then met Adeline. Little was I to know that in her I would find someone who would encourage me to give it my best and get over my fears and try harder and trust myself a little bit more. She co-runs Yoga Kalari with Master and also embodies what one feels in the studio - she is all positivity and light and fun, a perfect mix of taking your practice seriously but also to have fun with it. I then met Master and thanked him for accepting me again. We flowed through a sequence that I would come to recognise as Master's basic sequence, something that brings me peace now in my self-practice, since t I no longer practice with the group. Master believes in helping yogis achieve their potential. He would tell me on a later date - I push you harder because you have the potential and I hate to see it getting wasted. On the first day, I was rigid and didn't give in to his adjustments and my body didn't breathe when he tried to take me deeper into asanas that I have only seen other people do - and never thought capable of doing myself. In one particular backbend, I screamed - not with pain, but with the fear of the unknown, I was inverted and was bending all the way back. My world had literally turned upside down and that new space and not knowing where I was and how i would get out of there freaked me out. It took a lot of coaxing & reassuring by Master to calm down and breathe, post which I relaxed just a little bit and was eventually be able to get out of the asana myself. 

This happened everyday for the next thirty days. I freaked out on a daily basis. But the difference was I no longer screamed, I was able to calm myself down and either go in a little further or to back out and try from the beginning all over again. I started to trust more. Master and myself. And finally when he said let go and bend all the way back to touch the ground from a standing position, I was able to relax and give in. When I got back up, I'd see his smiling face waiting there to say, "see you can do it, you're simply scared, get rid of this fear." This was a sentence he would repeat to me multiple times. It was a sentence Adrienne would later use with me, that I had the alignment, i had the strength, the flexibility - if there was someone or something limiting me, it was me myself and my rigid fears. I found myself taking the bus at 6 am in the morning to reach Serangoon Gardens for the 7:15 am class and slowly day by day I saw myself slowly attempting more, believing more. I had always been scared of deep back bends and inversions. I would see folks at Pure Yoga jump into handstands and scorpion poses and I said to myself - I need not do that, I am here to practice for the sake of the practice and not to achieve a pose for instagram. I said to myself it was more important to have a consistent and strong practice with asanas that are known to have health benefits and live the other aspects of being a yogi. While I still hold that statement true, I also deep down might be influenced by the fact that have these opinions maybe because i can never achieve them? And hence my inability (& shame?) to master these asanas plays out with my "that's not what yoga is all about" stance. 

One day, in the middle of an inversion class, I had a loud and clear argument with Master on the efficiency of handstands and the purpose of it - and whether it was true yoga in the first place and why couldn't we be satisfied with the epic benefits that a headstand accords instead of chasing for these cosmetic poses. I was shocked at my own insolence, at how I was arguing with a very learned teacher in front of many other yogis. I was angry, I was unwilling to be assisted into handstands - Master didn't take no for an answer and ordered me to do it anyway. After the class ended i was furious - at myself, at Master, at all the other yogis who were jumping into versions of these inversions. I wondered how this classroom then was different from the studios I had practiced at where folks would want to "achieve a pose" for the sake of saying they are capable of doing it. I went away and had a few glasses of water and came and sat down on a bench. I sat there for a good 15 minutes, everyone had left the class, Master was organising the mats in the room. I joined him and apologised for raising my voice and again asked him to tell me how any of what we just did is yoga?

He stopped what he was doing and asked me to stand up, and said "I know what you mean, but instead of thinking all of this as being pointless, how about you ascribe a value to it, something that makes it worthwhile for you to try it and then see whether you get the motivation to do it." I asked him if that is what he said to all his students to find their own need / goal within the practice and approach it in that way. His answer shocked me but it was also something I had known deep down inside anyway. He described how when he had tried to teach Pranayam and other meditational aspects of yoga, less than two students walked into a class, he spoke about how students would use his assistance in asanas and  take pictures when they achieved the peak pose and posted them on Facebook and Instagram calling it a personal achievement, not mentioning him at all. And when I was about to ask how he tolerates all this, he said to me, I teach with honesty, people take from it what they want to take. He also said my judgement about the uselessness of these asanas is incorrect and that it takes a lot of mental and physical concentration to get into them and stay there and  in that they serve the purpose of yoga - mind over body and single minded focus - in that manner. He repeated again how I need to attach my personal goal to these asanas - and spoke to me about my fears - and said me achieving these asanas is me achieving that particular goal - in this case overcoming my fears and going beyond them. 

I needed that chat, or I would have gone home cursing myself for being inadequate and then mirroring that inadequacy onto other yogis. I realised I was being unfair to the immense amounts of effort and time that other folks put in to achieve those asanas and that I was sitting here ridiculing all of that, simply because it did not fit with my worldview - very un-yogi like of me for sure. With Masters words in my mind, I practiced a bit more sincerely - especially with the asanas I was afraid of. Adrienne helped me every single day, she would come stand by my mat waiting for me to try out an asana, waiting for me to find the mental strength to attempt, encouraging me from the sidelines when I was upside down, asking me to hold one for a second longer and then screaming at me in mock anger when i landed my feet back on the mat after being up there for less than a minute. In yoga kalari, I learnt to appreciate that there were things I could not do, but I also found the courage and the faith to try them out and keep trying them until I have achieved them, I found the support I needed to never give up. Every single yogi practicing there has spoken to me and given me tips on how to get into headstand and the little tricks they employed when they first found it tough. Many of them came and patted me on my back when I fell down and they knew I was close to tears. Three years ago at my yoga teacher training, I had found a "kula" - a community that lived together and tried and failed and tried again, all together. And I never found that again until I stepped into the Yoga Kalari last month. 

As I entered the studio for my last class the day I was departing Singapore, i wondered if I will be able to motivate myself the way my kula and my teachers had motivated me this past month. When I arrived back in India and practiced the next day I found the voice of Master and Adrienne guiding me through raj kapotasana, when I encountered a block, i stopped, took a few breaths and continued to go deeper instead of withdrawing. It's a time of immense change in my life, from my physical circumstances to my finances to the people I surround myself with everything is in flux. I feel as though I am being taken into a pose that I have never tried before. But the Master, this Universe, knows my potential and knows I am capable and is hence guiding my, instructing me step by step almost, to face the moments, and not to withdraw and power through to discover a new me. To discover something even i did not think I was capable of achieving. In spite of that I panic now and then, my sense of fear, withdrawal, the need to fight or flight kicks in, but then I do what I do on the mat. I stop, I breathe, I tell myself I am alright in this moment I am fine, and when I find the courage, I carry on, going deeper into life. There are so many things my asana practice teaches me and for that I am grateful. There are so many teachers I have been fortunate enough to learn from, so many beautiful voices that guide me on the mat, little do they know their voices also continue to guide me off the mat. I dedicate this post to Yoga Kalari, Master, Adrienne and all the other gorgeous yogis I had the opportunity and fortune to practice with.

Namaste.